Musician Adam Levine went on tour the summer before he wed Behati Prinsloo in 2014, but his band Maroon 5 didn’t have a new album to promote. Nope, Levine had something else planned before he wed Prinsloo. He embarked on an “ex apology tour” – an odd trend to sweep the dating world as of late. Levine has a reputation for being a bit of a player, so he seemed to feel compelled to wipe his dating slate and his conscience clean before tying the knot. So he contacted a few ex-girlfriends, including Nina Agdal, who he infamously dumped by ignoring her. He texted her the news of his impending nuptials not long afterward. So is contacting your ex (or exes) out of the blue to apologize for your past transgressions – and deliver the news that you’ll be married soon – a good idea? The consensus among therapists and those who have received such passive-aggressive apologies is no.

Certainly for the apologist, the activity may feel cleansing, much like a 12-step program participant may make amends for their past transgressions. But clearing that bad karma can come with a price. For the person receiving the apology, it could open old wounds that took time and care to mend. Worst-case scenario, it could cause an ex to get angry or insert him or herself into your life again. And it could cast the apologist in a negative light, considering it’s a way to get the “last word” in. It’s great that you feel compelled to apologize for bad behavior, particularly if you’ve been showed “the light” in a mature, adult relationship. But before reaching out, examine your motivations and ask yourself who the apology would benefit most. If it’s you and you alone, then perhaps you should talk to someone else about your feelings – like a therapist.