Whether they’re babies, toddlers or preschoolers, a case of separation anxiety can hit your child – and you – when you least expect it. The screaming fit that can ensue as you walk out of daycare or even just the child’s nursery can send you running back in, but that’s a big no-no, according to experts. Another bad idea is trying to slink out undetected. Experts say that sneaky behavior can break your child’s trust in you. Instead, say goodbye cheerfully and confidently, making a quick and painless exit. Like ripping off a Band-Aid, this approach minimizes the pain of a prolonged goodbye but allows your child to know you’re leaving – and doing it good naturedly, even if you’re faking the smile on your face. Ask caregivers to divert the child’s attention after you leave, instead of as a means to distract the child from your exit. As they get older, separation anxiety may get worse because while toddlers understand that you’ll be back, they’ve also learned that there are ways to manipulate you into staying longer – and don’t think they won’t use them.

Get through goodbyes by giving toddlers a job, like closing the door behind you or putting away his things at daycare in the morning. Try creating a ritual, like a kiss on each cheek and a high five each time you leave. These actions allow young kids to retain some control over the situation. Don’t downplay kids’ anxiety – phrases like “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” or “Be a big girl/boy” don’t acknowledge children’s fears. More effective ways of doing so would be saying something like, “I know you might feel nervous, but I’ll be back soon.” If the process isn’t going well at all and hasn’t for some time, examine other circumstances. Communicating with your child may expose fears you didn’t know he had. Or it may help you understand how a disruption in his schedule could have caused the anxiety. Sometimes a new sibling, grandparent visit, vacation or other routine break can cause separation anxiety. Loosen your child’s grip on your leg and get on with your day by getting to the bottom of the problem.