By Michael Brady
Communication is a vital part of our lives: a typical day involves many interactions between ourselves, our work colleagues and clients, our children, our friends, our ex's, future relationships, etc. This interaction takes place where we live, work, relax, socialize and wherever we perform routine tasks.
Communication skills are critical for building healthy relationships, especially when one realizes that one of the most common causes of relational breakdown is a lack of communication. Just as communication can be the most important part of a relationship; arguments can be the most destructive aspect - the closer we are to someone, the more easily we can bruise or be bruised. There is very little truth in the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me." It's not what we say, but rather how we say it, that most often hurts another person. {relatedarticles}
Do you identify with any of these statements?
"He never listens to me when I talk!"
"She talks and talks, but never actually says anything!"
"It's like talking to a brick wall"
"I can't get through to you"
"We can't talk about anything important without getting into a fight"
"She's too emotional - she's either crying or shouting or complaining. It's easier to avoid her"
"He always gets defensive when I try to talk about issues"
Communication is a complex process; of which speaking only makes up for 10-20%. The other 80-90% is made up by facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.
Communication is the art/ science of transferring a thought/ idea/ information from the mind of one complex human being to the mind of one or more complex human being(s). For communication to be effective, it must be a two-way process.
Dynamics of Interpersonal Communication
1. Facts: are both people communicating about the same set of facts? Try to separate the facts from thoughts or feelings.
2. Interpretations, Thoughts or Perceptions: Each person interprets a fact differently based on their belief system, personality, values and experience.
3. Feelings: how we are feeling, our current mood and frame of mind, etc can sub-consciously affect decisions and thoughts.{relatedarticles}
4. Intentions, Needs or Wants: hidden agendas; are we looking for comfort, clarification, information or simply a chance to interact? We judge ourselves on our intentions.
5. Actions: choice of words (is the intent to create harm?) + tone of voice + non-verbal speech = body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions, etc.
"The medium is the message" => the way the message is delivered is the message itself.
6. Self: The communication centre, which includes the issue, topic or conflict at hand, has been "filtered" by the facts, interpretations, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and choices of behaviour / actions.
Listening and Feedback
Did I say what I meant to say? - Invite feedback to clarify communication.
Someone who's not listening lets their mind drift and is already preparing the next argument or opposing thought; inaccurate feedback or limited eye contact.
Listening is an active, not a passive process. When two people argue, they only hear "what they want to hear", not what's actually said. This equates to the accusation of "not listening". Most couples start arguing and within 5 minutes are arguing about the way they are arguing.{relatedarticles}
Don't argue when you're angry - you will not be able to listen objectively. Give yourself time to cool down and then broach the subject when you are in a more reasonable frame of mind.
It's important to give feedback - checking and confirming. Did I understand you correctly? Is this what you mean? I heard you say this: am I right? Feedback can be verbal / non-verbal e.g. a nod, smile, silence or a cold shoulder. No feedback is in itself a form of feedback.
If the words and actions contradict each other, it is better to believe the actions!
Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution can either be Constructive or Destructive.
Destructive Style - hinders or inhibits the conflict resolution process:
Confrontational (win or lose, blaming)
Sabotage (focus on weak points, shaming)
Manipulation (blackmail, withdrawal){relatedarticles}
Giving in (passive, submissive)
Avoidance (denial, withdrawal)
Constructive Style - trying to minimize the issues and avoiding the difficulties in resolving the problems:
Compromise (meet halfway, understanding)
Accommodate (open discussion, communication without confrontation)
Partnership (solutions, forgiveness, honesty)
When trying to resolve conflicts, try to clarify your goals, as you will probably share many of the same goals despite of your differences. Avoid bargaining, as this may lead to each party taking a rigid position which in turn can flare tempers.
When resolving conflicts, remember that their causes may run deep. Sweeping issues under the carpet isn't going to work in the long term, as old baggage will be brought up each time an argument starts. Try to fully resolve each issue as it comes along. You may find the following method useful:
1. Ask the other person for their feelings. Your conflict probably isn't about the issue that caused it to start in the first place. Don't forget that your goal is sorting out the problem, not winning an argument!{relatedarticles}
2. Ask the other person to define the problem. Stick to solving one problem at a time, that way you can understand each problem as the other person sees it.
3. Express your own feelings. Be careful to word them carefully, for example use phrases such as "I feel..." rather than "I think you..."
4. Define the problem as you see it. As your feelings come out, the solution may become clearer. Remember that by you listening to the other person; you will have set the tone for them to listen to you.
5. Create multiple solutions. Don't go back to your original agenda. Aim to find alternative or creative solutions that reduce emotions and tension.
6. Rate the possible solutions. Remember that no one can force an unacceptable solution on the other.
7. Combine and create a mutually acceptable solution. Create something acceptable to both parties, if this doesn't work - go back to step 1 and ensure both parties are being totally honest.
8. Be sure both parties agree to work towards resolving the issue.{relatedarticles}
Troubleshooting For Problems in Communication
Control or Power Issues: Effective communication cannot take place if one person has "control" over the other or where there is not mutual respect and equality of relationship. To stay in control leads to relational isolation as the underdog reacts in anger at being manipulated or belittled.
Triangulation: Do not bring in a third party to avoid direct confrontation. If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person. Don't dump your accusations on mutual friends or your children in the hope of winning support to balance the scales in your favour - it leads to more substantial and long-lasting damage, especially when a child is used as a weapon between parents.
19 Steps to Effective Communication
1. See communication as an opportunity to praise, build-up, affirm, heal, support and give positive reinforcement, rather than to correct, criticise, tear down, hurt, wound, lash out at. Praise opens doors to further communication, while criticism shuts them down.
2. Remember that actions speak louder than words; non-verbal communication usually is more powerful than verbal communication. Avoid double messages in which the verbal and the non-verbal messages convey something contradictory. (Credibility gap)
3. Define what is important and stress it; define what is unimportant and de-emphasise or ignore it. Avoid fault-finding.
4. Communicate in ways that show respect for the other person's worth as a human being. "Avoid statements which begin with the words "You never ..." or "I think you ...".
5. Be clear and specific in your communication. Avoid vagueness.
6. Be realistic and reasonable in your statements. Avoid exaggeration and sentences which begin with "You always ..."
7. Test all your assumptions verbally by asking if they are accurate. Avoid acting until this is done.
8. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view. Avoid assuming that other people see things like you do. (Perception)
9. Recognize that your family members and close friends are experts on you and your behaviour. Avoid the tendency to deny their observations about you - especially if you are not sure.{relatedarticles}
10. Recognize that disagreement can be a meaningful form of communication. Avoid destructive arguments.
11. Be honest and open about your feelings and viewpoints. Bring up all significant problems even if you are afraid that doing so will disturb another person. Speak the truth in love. Avoid sullen silences.
12. Do not put down and/or manipulate the other person with tactics such as ridicule, interrupting, name-calling, changing the subject, blaming, bugging, sarcasm, criticism, pouting, guilt-inducing, etc. Avoid the one-upmanship game.
13. Be more concerned about how your communication affects others than about what you intended. Avoid getting bitter if you are misunderstood.
14. Accept all feelings and try to understand why others feel and act as they do. Avoid the tendency to say, "you shouldn't feel like that."
15. Be tactful considerate and courteous. Avoid taking advantage of the other person's feelings.
16. Ask questions and listen carefully. Avoid preaching or lecturing.
17. Do not use excuses. Avoid falling for the excuses of others.{relatedarticles}
18. Speak kindly politely and softly. Avoid nagging yelling or whining.
19. Recognize the value of humour and seriousness. Avoid destructive teasing.
Summary
As you look ahead to new relationships, you need to be able to break old and faulty communication patterns to allow for healthier interaction. The use of praise and positive reinforcement will reconstruct wounded and broken self-images and will build self-esteem, particularly in children. By becoming an effective communicator, you will also grow and become a better person which will positively enhance all your relationships.
About The Author
Michael Brady is web entrepreneur and is currently running a very popular dating site (Dating In Ireland). He wishes to coach people on some skills that will make them more prepared for an online dating experience.
The author invites you to visit: http://www.datinginireland.singlescrowd.com.
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You're having sex and all of sudden something unexpected happens. All you want to do is crawl into a hole and never come out. However, someone else is underneath you ready to burst. What do you do?
Check out the 5 most cringe-worthy moments people experience when having sex. What? You thought you were the only one? Oh no. You definitely aren't solo in embarrassing sex blunders.
But now you can find out what others have experienced and what to do about it. That way, you can be prepared to deal with whatever happens during sex with a chill attitude so you can get back to what matters - sealing the deal.
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Cringing Moment #1: Burp During a Kiss
Sometimes the air bubble forms in your stomach and escapes up your esophagus so quickly, there's no chance of swallowing while you are kissing. What happens? You share that burp with your kissing partner!
Ew, right? Well, hey, it happens.
Many people will be able to catch it before it makes it to their mouth, so they simply move away from the kissing session to stifle it or release it away from their partner.
However, those who aren't so lucky will end up hoping their partner doesn't notice. If he does, you can just apologize and allow him to get over it while he starts doing some other pleasing things to you.
Cringing Moment #2: Farting During Sex
Have you ever had sex after a huge dinner? Your belly is full and there's ton of air in there with the food. As you start rolling around, the air escapes from your belly, floats down your intestines and comes out your butt. Uh oh, you just farted and it doesn't smell pretty.
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Gas is a normal function of the body. Yes, many people do fart during sex. What do you do?
Don't let it ruin the moment. If your partner hears it or worse, smells it, have a laugh about it. You can quickly apologize but be sure to get right back down to business because the more you dwell on it, the harder it will be to get back into the groove again.
Cringing Moment #3: Saying the Wrong Name
You're in the moment and you're about to release the sexual tension you built up and blurt out, "OH HENRY!" While it's a great treat to your partner because it shows he has pleased you - it's not so great when his name is Bob.
It's okay, with so many people in your life, it's easy to get confused in the heat of the moment - especially if you've been drinking. But what do you do when you accidentally slip and say the wrong name?
Keep going pretending nothing happened. With all of the intensity of the sex you are having, he may not have noticed. If he stops though, apologize immediately and go down on him to help him forget, if he lets you.
Now, if he is completely turned off because you just called him Henry instead of Bob, accept it for what it is - a mistake that can't be undone so you might as well get dressed and head out.
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Cringing Moment #4: Sex Move Rejection
Porn can be a dangerous thing to sexual partners. It introduces so many different acts people can do and some people just don't want to do them.
Here's an example of that exact thing happening:
You're having the best sex ever and all of a sudden you feel the need to start doing something you saw in a porno the other night. Your partner says, "HEY, what the &*%^ are you doing?"
Stop immediately and go back to what you guys were doing before, that is, if he's not totally repulsed by the act. If he is, quickly apologize and then lay next to him with your arms and legs over him. Tell him you saw it on porn, wondered what it was like, and just lost control with all of the excitement. Promise not to do it ever again and ask for a round 2.
Cringing Moment #5: Oral Sex Leads to Throwing Up
Going down on him isn't the most desirable thing in the world when your man hasn't showered after a long day at work, which can lead to gagging. Another gag trigger can be when you slip and his dick hits your gag reflex.
{relatedarticles}
Even though gagging isn't so bad, throwing up because of the gagging is pretty humiliating. Just imagine yourself having to stop pleasing your man so you can projectile vomit all over his chest.
So what should you do if this happens? Simply grab a towel, wipe it off and suggest moving over to the shower. That way, he can clean up, you can rinse out your mouth and then start all over again in a new romantic setting.
If he's over the moment and just wants to shower alone, face the reality that you won't be going down on him unless he's freshly showered. It may actually be a positive for you, as you don't ever have to deal with a stinky penis again.
How to Solve Any Embarrassing Moment During Sex
Embarrassing moments during sex happen to everyone. You don't have to be so embarrassed when you're making love with someone you care deeply about because that person won't care at all.
{relatedarticles}
However, knowing what to do when something unexpected happens can hang you up anyway and that can lead to losing the moment. To keep that from happening, remember these three steps.
Step #1: Ignore it
Step #2: Apologize if noticed
Step #3: Move on or accept it and have sex at another time
In most cases, the person you are getting it on with won't care so much about your embarrassing blunder. He will most likely want to move on and get on with the moment. So the next time you find yourself in bed with your lover and something unexpected happens, give yourself a break. It happens and sex will go on.
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Role playing can turn a drab, ordinary sex life into a passionate, exciting one in just one night. It's amazing what dressing up and acting like someone else can do to you -- mentally and sexually.
When you role play, you remove yourself from reality. You and your partner get to be other people. You put yourself in a world that you have never been in and may have only dreamt of.
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This escape from reality is what enables you to let go of your inhibitions enough to let loose and materialize your fantasies.
The better your costumes and storylines, the more exciting sex will be. Check out some of these best-dressed ideas for your next role-playing sex session.
The Prisoner and Prison Guard
A prisoner trapped in a cell for years with no sexual contact meets a sexy prison guard. The guard makes demands of the prisoner, such as a strip search, with some teasing and flirting, which sparks sexual tension.
Use an orange or classic black and white prisoner outfit for him and a tight, revealing cop costume for her. You can usually find these costumes during Halloween; however, if it's out of season, you can also find them in sex shops or online.
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Think accessories to enhance the experience, such as handcuffs and a baton. You can handcuff him to the "cell" to have your way with him.
Repairman and Client
A sexy repairman comes to the door with his flannel shirt half-undone, with his tool belt around his waist. The client has on a sexy mini-skirt with a low-cut shirt. As he works on your plumbing, bent over the pipes to show off his assets, the client bends over to hand him the tools he needs.
Seduction is what counts here. The more you bend over him and he shows himself off, the more steamy things will get for both of you.
You can do this role play with many different types of service people, such as a pizza delivery guy and lawn care boy. Just switch up the outfits accordingly.
Trucker and Waitress
A trucker can be on the road for months, which could mean he's sexually deprived. As a sexy waitress at an overnight diner, you can help him with his sexual frustrations.
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Don't think of the dirty trucker with this role play. Instead, he's the sexy trucker with his tight jeans, flannel shirt half-unbuttoned and a cute hat on his head.
Play the entire story out. He comes in, wanting coffee, pie and conversation. You, as the waitress, lean over the counter with your low-cut shirt showing off your chest as you listen intently and pat him for comfort on the arm. Pouring coffee consists of bending over him so he has nowhere to turn his head but towards your chest.
Cheerleader and Sports Player
Having a sexual experience with a bubbly, flexible cheerleader is on most men's fantasy list. Dig out your old cheerleading outfit or purchase one. Make sure it's tight and you do your hair up with tendrils coming down to make it look sexy. Act out being a cheerleader to show off how you can bend.
If you think sports players are sexy, think of one your man can dress up as so you can fulfill the whole cheerleader with sports player scenario.
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Belly Dancer/Exotic Dancer and Client
Find a belly-dancing outfit at a dance shop or sex shop. You can also find many accessories like sheer cloths, chiming bracelets, veils and music.
Have him sit down and just watch you as you shake your body around him, on him and over him. Pass the cloth over his face, wrap it around his neck to bring him closer to you, or make him follow you by grabbing onto the cloth as you lead him to the bed.
Photographer and Model
Have him dress up as a sexy photographer. For example, he could wear a white button-down shirt with a few buttons undone and some black slacks. Make sure he has a camera with him.
You can do one of two things with this role play. You can dress in a bikini and have him take pictures of you or you can be naked. It all depends on what scenario you want - swimsuit model or Playboy model.
As you strike a pose for the camera, flirt with him a bit to show off what you've got. He can really get into it by telling you to do different things he thinks will look good on camera.
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Sexy Teacher and Student
This is a common fantasy because nearly every male student has at one time had a crush on an attractive teacher. Put a sexy teacher outfit together by wearing a tight, short skirt and body-forming shirt. Pull your hair up in a bun and find some non-prescription glasses to wear.
If you want to be the sexy student, you can do something similar. Just find an outfit that shows the most skin and enhances your most flattering attributes. Put your hair up in pigtails and wear just a little makeup to keep the innocent look.
Once you're dressed, it's time to play the part. You may be a teacher scolding your bad, bad student, or you may be the innocent school girl who is in love with her teacher and wants to show off for him a bit.
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How to Make Role Playing Effective
Sexual role playing isn't just about dressing up. It's about getting into character. When you are playing the parts, you need to make it believable. That's what makes it so real and an escape from reality. If you still believe you are you, then you don't get the same excitement because your insecurities prevent you from really experiencing sexual satisfaction.
The first time you do this, you may feel awkward or ridiculous, but as you get into it, you'll start to feel how enticing it can be. You'll feel yourself let go and get into the role of being seduced or seducing your partner. Then the rest is just allowing yourself to relieve the sexual tension you both have developed from it, which is quite satisfying and fulfilling.
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