A breakup is one of the most stressful things any of us can go through in our lives. Even when your rational mind knows the relationship is toxic, it's hard to let go of the emotional and fearful thoughts telling us life without the relationship is impossible. But have no fear. New beginnings lie behind the break.
Think of your relationship split like cutting off a malignant tumor. There is pain while it is being removed, and that hurt can last for a while. But in time, as your heart repairs, you will begin to feel better. As cliche as it may sound, time heals all wounds. {relatedarticles}
Be patient as you evolve through this life-changing event, keeping in mind these 5 things you should never do right after calling it quits.
1. Don't Use Selective Memory
When that lonely feeling arises (and it will), you need to know that your mind is likely to wander back to a point in your relationship when all was well and the two of you were happy together. At times like these, for whatever reason, our memories often will recall only the good times. You'll start wondering why you two ever decided to split in the first place.
Reminiscing about the good times is really a regression of your emotional progress. You should never allow yourself to call or go visit your ex in a moment of weakness. This will just set you back emotionally and you'll have cheated yourself out of time.
There are reasons you two are not together anymore, and you need to bring those to mind forcefully. Don't forget all those irritating habits he or she had that you could not stand; remember all the fights.
If you think there may be a possibility that the two of you could mend your differences, you still need to give yourself a break away from each other. Your ex needs to earn his way back into your life and prove he is worth it.{relatedarticles}
2. Don't Be Friends
For the first few months following a breakup, you should not socialize together if at all possible. You should try to have no contact with your ex -- no meeting up in person or contacting each other over the phone, via email, text messaging or connecting on social networking sites. As the saying goes, old habits die hard. It is just too easy to fall back into the relationship. It's like an old, comfortable chair.
But you've got to remember that chair is full of dander and parasites that you really don't want crawling all over your skin! Plus, it can be just torturous to your heart to be around your ex, especially if he's the flirtatious type. Don't do that to yourself. And never, ever fall into the trap of indulging in one last romp for "old time's sake." What's done is done -- and that includes your sexual encounters with him.
Keep your distance and spend time with the best company around - you! Do all the things you love. You may have to relearn who you really are and find out what makes you happy. Being a couple is all about compromise. Now you can concentrate selfishly on yourself, so do it!
3. Don't Keep Remembrances in Plain Sight
A great first step in getting past the relationship is to go through your home, phone, car, wallet, etc. and put away all those things that remind you of your former partner. From photographs and gifts to his favorite foods and CDs, all these items can slow your emotional growth. By removing them from plain sight, this action alone reaffirms your intention to move on with your life.{relatedarticles}
Although you may feel like trashing some of these things, it is best to store them in a box that you can put away for the time being. Remember, the moments you spent with him are a part of your life's history and probably have changed you in one way or another.
After all the emotion is gone and you've transitioned past this point in your life, you may want to revisit the box and the memories it holds. Then you will have a clear understanding of what you want to keep and what you might want to give away.
4. Don't Jump Into Another Relationship
It is so easy to replace your ex with another warm body, and many of us do just that. Unfortunately for you and for the new beau, the relationship is more than likely doomed. Most people coming out of a long-term relationship are not emotionally ready to hold up their end of the bargain in a new commitment. There is too much baggage that hasn't been sorted through and resolved.
Keep in mind, this doesn't mean you can't go out. By all means, have a dating frenzy. Meet new people, experience new things and enjoy the company of others. Take the time to have fun before becoming exclusive with someone new. You need to get to know yourself again before you can give that next guy the best of you.
5. Don't Isolate Yourself
Feelings of depression are normal when a relationship ends. This may lead you to crawl under the covers and sleep for days or stay up all hours of the night watching romantic movies. You may not want to communicate with anyone, but it is important that you do.{relatedarticles}
Isolating yourself is really a form of punishment. You have to be willing to ask for help. Look for a friend or family member with a shoulder you can cry on. You may even want to seek out a professional counselor to work through these feelings of despair and loneliness.
The first few months after a breakup will be full of ups and downs. Bear in mind, you are going through something traumatic. Give yourself permission to be sad, depressed and confused as well as relieved, happy and excited about what lies ahead. Just know that the pain will eventually lessen. It will not be like this for the rest of your life. You will heal and be OK.
And always remember, an ending is just the start of new beginning.
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In order to salvage your marriage and stop a divorce, you need to sway your ex to give the partnership a second chance. Still, how do you actually do this?
Regardless if divorce papers have already been filed and served, not all hope is lost. A divorce can be prevented at just about any point, regardless of whether you split yesterday or a year ago. Nonetheless, the quicker that you can ward off a divorce, chances are, divorce proceedings won't be restarted.{relatedarticles}
To preserve your marriage and stop the divorce, you will have to persuade your spouse to give you and your relationship a second chance. If you've been unrelenting, begging, even hounding your ex to get back together with you, halt instantly. This is the biggest mistake that most people make, and one of the worst things that you can do. You may be pondering that "if I don't keep working to get my ex back, then we'll never get back together."
It does seem counter-intuitive to allow someone the room that they require in order to get them back. It boils down to a psychological way of thinking called The Scarcity Theory. Simply speaking, the more you prevent someone access to something, the more that they want it. It's akin to the Law of Supply and Demand...the rarer something is, the more it is worth to someone.
Rather than behaving badly, ranting and raving to your partner to take you back, try behaving like a mature adult. It will probably come as a pleasurable surprise to your ex and go a long way to stopping the divorce. Calmly accept that your marriage has experienced some tough times recently, and you're hurt, but you'd really like to give your relationship a second chance. Remember... be relaxed and truthful.
Yet another strategy to prevent divorce is to reveal your maturity and love by suggesting marital or couples counseling. Counseling has been effective for millions of individuals and couples. Your relationship will very likely benefit from it. Men and women, physically, are obviously different. What isn't obvious to a lot of people is that men and women, psychologically and emotionally, are VERY different. It is crucial to acknowledge this and fully understand exactly HOW they differ, so that you better comprehend your spouse's thoughts and emotions.
While in your counseling visits, you'll be given the opportunity to demonstrate to your spouse why you love him. You can remind him why you fell in love in the first place, and how you desire to have those days back, instead of fighting and arguing all of the time. Be honest, and give an honest attempt in wanting to clear up the marital problems that come up during counseling. That in itself may be enough to persuade your partner to stop the divorce for the time being, and perhaps permanently.{relatedarticles}
If you succeed in avoiding the divorce, remember that the tricky part is yet to come. You and your partner have a good deal of repairing to do. Bear in mind that the other person was prepared to divorce you, and it would be easy for them to change their mind and file for divorce later. Having initiated a divorce once already makes the decision to file again much easier. Be cognizant of the state of your relationship, and continue counseling.
Relationships can be complicated at times and something that you must constantly work on both individually and as a couple. However, just as they can be difficult, remember that they can also be very satisfying. Go now, download my free ebook and videos, and discover the steps you need to take to help get your ex back. If you use these free resources, I'm certain that they'll help you to Get Your Husband Back.{relatedarticles}
About The Author
Uncover the exact steps you need to take to get your ex back. For a limited time, you'll get access to my book Tips to Save Your Marriage absolutely free. You'll also get access to videos where you'll learn things like the very first thing you should, and shouldn't, do immediately after a break-up. Go now, and discover how to get back your ex and rekindle that old flame.
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Love hurts.
You finally find someone you thought was "Mr. or Ms. Right," only to learn they were all wrong. It just doesn't seem fair.
The good news is that time heals all wounds. While it wasn't the most pleasant feeling, it was definitely a learning experience. How can you mend a broken heart? According to grief counselor and breakup expert Susan J. Elliot, the end of a relationship is the same as other grief processes, which means there are phases to the process. The phases of breakup grief include "shock and disbelief," "review and painful relinquishment," and "reorganization, integration and acceptance." How an individual moves through these phases is based on the nature of their break-up as well as the individual's personality.{relatedarticles}
To help you through a break-up, it's important to have a plan of action. These 10 tips will help you ease the pain. It's important to keep in mind that everybody is different and recovers at their own rate.
Tip #1: Face the Pain
The worst thing you can do is turn away from your emotional pain and deny you are hurt. This will bury your feelings making it possible for them to emerge some other time when it isn't appropriate to feel them, for example, when you are in a new relationship.
The best way to face the pain of your broken heart is to think as much as you want to about the relationship, cry as much as you need to and talk to someone who will listen to you. Find a shoulder to cry on whether it's a family member, friend or professional. Processing what happened in the relationship by getting it all out will help make sense of it, so you can accept the reality and move on.
Tip #2: Understand the Relationship
Why didn't the relationship work out? To answer this, think about the relationship and all of the reasons why it just wasn't headed in the direction you or your ex wanted it to go in.
List all of the reasons why the breakup occurred and allow yourself to take it all in. Again, cry over it if you need to. The best part of this exercise is realizing and accepting the flaws in the relationship. As you unearth the major shortcomings, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that your relationship wasn't built to last.{relatedarticles}
Tip #3: List All the Reasons He Wasn't "The One"
No one is perfect, and a breakup is the ideal time to point out all of your ex's imperfections. What really got under your skin about him? What do you want out of someone else? The relationship didn't work out for a reason. Even if you can't find anything wrong with him, the mere fact he wasn't willing to work out the difficulties should be a major strike against him.
Relationships require work from both people, and it is difficult to make love last if one doesn't want to put in the effort to make the other happy.
Tip #4: List Your Awesomeness
Breakups can make you feel like you are a horrible person that no one will ever love again. Good thing this is simply not true.
Think hard about all of the qualities you love about yourself. Think about what your friends and family love about you. Be honest with yourself, not self-conscious. You are a great person, no matter if you make mistakes. You just need to realize it and that will make you feel you are strong enough to repair your broken heart and worthy to allow someone to love you again.{relatedarticles}
Tip #5: Take Care of Yourself
When you are depressed over a breakup, you might start eating and sleeping more or less than you normally do. This can make you feel ill and even more upset over the breakup.
Sleeping the right amount gives you even more energy and helps you process your emotions better. Eating well will help you feel less sluggish and provide you with the energy you need to get moving. Exercise will get your heart pumping and release endorphins that will help you feel better about yourself and the situation.
Tip #6: Think About Your Independence
Was there anything you wanted to do that you couldn't because you were in a relationship? Maybe you wanted to hang out with your friends more, have more time with family or see particular movies your ex didn't like to see. Now is your chance to do whatever you feel like doing with whomever you feel like doing it with, because no one stands in your way.
This is your life now. You are free. While you may prefer to be with your ex, rather than free, you can't deny the release of restraints when you no longer have to take someone else into account.{relatedarticles}
Tip #7: Consider the Future
The future may not seem bright to you right now, but just fantasize a bit about finding someone who is just perfect for you - someone who will come sweep you off your feet and carry you off into the sunset. Imagine a point in your life when you're happier than you have ever been with anyone, including your ex.
Can't seem to release those feelings for your ex because you miss him so much? You don't have to...just allow yourself to create a story in your mind despite the longing you have for your ex. Play around with it and try to have fun. If you find yourself smiling or feeling a bit hopeful for the future, you've succeeded.
Tip #8: Support Others
Sometimes the best way to deal with pain is to lend your support to someone else. It helps you see that your situation may not be as awful as you thought. It also may help you feel less alone when you see someone else going through as much grief as you feel.
Just be careful not to impose your problems on your friend's problems or she won't feel supported. If she comes to you for help first, you should focus on her. If you go to her first, she should help you.{relatedarticles}
Tip #9: Do Something New and Exciting
Living the same old life you were living when you were in a relationship will only remind you of how much you miss your ex and wish he were with you as he used to be. However, if you start engaging in new activities your ex was never part of, you won't miss him as much because it doesn't remind you of him.
Tip #10: Give It Time
Time heals all wounds. While you may want the pain to go away as soon as possible, it just doesn't work that way. You need to let yourself heal and that can take some time. Just hang on for as long as you need to start feeling better about the break-up. You will feel better...it just takes time.
When the Pain Ends
As you start to feel better and more like yourself, start to consider love again. You may be scared of it because you don't ever want to go through this type of pain again, it's important you give it another try. You never know whom you will find next and if that person will be the one you will be with forever.
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