Our founding fathers understood that freedom is an essential part of human happiness and their words can be taken as excellent dating advice.
While most of us value our freedom in everyday life, sometimes we can lose sight of it in the context of a romantic relationship. Excessive control is one of the most common relationship complaints -- and one of the top reasons cited for the demise of a romance.
When a woman first meets a man, she may not notice his domineering tendencies. Often, the watered-down version of his controlling traits is what she'll be exposed to first, and ironically, these can be pretty appealing in a man.{relatedarticles}
In many ways, he can come off as the "perfect" guy: protective, decisive and utterly devoted to her. However, in time, she may begin to notice behavior that crosses the line from chivalrous to downright domineering.
Of course, controlling behavior isn't always incurable; there are ways to address this issue if both partners are willing to confront it and take steps to deal with it. The first step is recognizing that a problem exists. The following is a quick checklist of signs that your guy might be controlling.
- He snoops. The FBI, the CIA -- they've got nothing on your man. He checks your email, your phone and your FaceBook page in order to keep close tabs on you. It's a sneaky game, and it can make you feel as though your privacy has been violated. It's always best to keep your passwords secure and to discuss privacy issues early.
- He isolates you. At first, it might mean he gets pouty whenever you feel like having a girls' night. Later, as the relationship gets more serious, he may try and draw you away from friends and family so he can have you all to himself. Learn to recognize disparaging comments about love ones and realize he might turning you against your significant others.
- He thinks he's the wardrobe police. This is surprisingly common. Many men feel that their female companions should dress in ways that make them (the men, that is) happy. Whether he wants you to dress down so other guys don't notice you, or wants you to dress up all the time so he can show you off, this type of controlling behavior can wear on your nerves and make you feel uncomfortable.{relatedarticles}
- He gives you no space. Being smothered is no fun; everyone needs room to breathe. No matter how much your guy says he loves you, it can be annoying and stressful to get excessive cell phone calls and texts throughout the day. Does his world revolve around only you and your relationship with him? Does he have few or no other strong friendships?
- He's extremely jealous. Jealousy is at the root of the control issue for most men. They act the way they do because of an overwhelming fear/anxiety that they will lose the women in their lives. To avoid the pain, they will try and control every aspect of the relationship.
- He makes unilateral decisions. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and the partners need to respect and consider each other's preferences. If your partner thinks he knows best all the time, it can lead to many uncomfortable exchanges and frustrating scenes.
Controlling Behavior: Why it Exists and What to Do About It
Sometimes, people just have dominant personalities and don't learn how to give in and share power with others. In other cases, fear and insecurity is at the root of a controlling nature. The latter can be especially difficult to address because insecurity and fear can wreak havoc on a relationship.{relatedarticles}
He will tell you that his emotional outburst is because his ex cheated on him with half the guys in town/spent all his money/was mean to him/insert bad behavior here. Whether this is true or not, it doesn't mean he can use it as an excuse or that you should use it as an excuse for him.
As long as you're looking at your significant other in a realistic light, take the time to look at yourself in the same way. Is there anything you do that enables his controlling behavior?
Many relationships in which excessive control is an issue are actually mutually controlling. People with similar psychological traits often gravitate to one another. Take a look at your own behavior and ask yourself whether you may also be letting insecurities and fears take over your relationship.
Or on the flip side, if you sit back and let him take the reins in most matters just to avoid having to deal with things yourself, he will feel that you're OK with him being in the driver's seat all the time.{relatedarticles}
There are ways to handle a controlling partner, but it's rarely an easy undertaking. If your relationship is far enough along that you're committed to each other and the controlling person admits to the problem, you can set some goals and limits together.
For example, discuss how you'd like more autonomy in decision-making and set a schedule to take turns deciding what activities you'll do as a couple.
For insecure/jealous partners, you may need to set some strong boundary lines when it comes to personal space. If you don't, the behavior will continue unchecked. Unfortunately, your demand for increased privacy will probably just reinforce his fear that you are indeed seeking outside relationships.
In many cases, these issues respond better to couples' therapy. A therapist can help you both work through the problems and can give you a course of therapy designed specifically for the 2 of you.
When to Leave
If the relationship is in its early stages and you're not in too deep, your best course of action might simply be to end it. You can talk with him first and see if things improve, but be realistic. You won't do yourself or your man any favors by allowing things to progress when you can already see the warning signs of failure.{relatedarticles}
Leaving a controlling partner is even more difficult when you've been together long enough to share bank accounts and children, so bailing early sometimes can be the smartest course of action.
Abuse is the most important reason to leave a controlling partner. Not all controlling men are violent, but excessive, one-sided control is a prominent feature in the clinical description of an abusive relationship. If your partner shows signs of violence toward you, and that includes frequent vicious verbal attacks, you need to seek help and leave the relationship for the sake of your own safety.
Read More
It's normal that after spending years as a couple, your sex life becomes a little stale. The urge to do it with your lover has reached its plateau. Sex has become a part of the chores. Those sizzling, sweltering, tantric, sex has somehow become the thing of the past.
Although there is no question about how you feel about each other, in fact, your feeling has even become more deep and secured, but somehow the sexual spark has died, and the burning flame of passion burned down. You love each other so much, but most of the time, you just want to read a book or watch the TV or have go to sleep, rather than have sexual intercourse to your partner.{relatedarticles}
Maybe all you need is a sexual catalyst or just a little reminder how great and beneficial sex if for your relationship and well-being.
Here are wonderful reasons to make love to your partner, when you feel like using the, "I have a headache" excuse.
* You promised to. Even though you didn't really specifically said, "to love, to honour and to make love three times a week," but when you promised to love, and to hold, for richer and for poorer, it goes without saying that sex would be a part of that promise. I hate to say it ladies, but yes, it is your obligation.{relatedarticles}
* When you do it, it lessens the stress and eases the pain. Orgasm triggers oxytocin and endorphins which has an amnesic and anaesthetic effects that can last for as long as five hours. So in that period of five hours, you'll forget about your pains, your worries, and your anxieties. So stop with your, "I have your headache" excuse, cause sexual intercourse actually relieves your headache.
* When you make love, it will put you in a good light. Every time you have sex and makes it as pleasant as possible. Your partner' brain will relate you into something that is wonderful and pleasant. This is the main reason why couples who never ceases to have wonderful sex still find their partner irresistibly adorable. So, if you want to be irresistible to your honey bunch, think twice before you refuse to have sexual intercourse to him.
* When you make love, it fires up the passion. It's the passion that keeps your relationship special and intimate, it's what separates you from being his best friend or confidant. It's not that there is something wrong as being his best bud, but it's nice to his all around girl. It makes your man loyal and faithful, because all he was looking for in a woman are all rolled into one in you.{relatedarticles}
* When you make love, it makes you lose weight. Have you been dying to get rid of that love handles? Or wanting to fit into that skinny jeans of yours? Then double time with sexual action, because you can lose a minimum of two hundred calories.
* When you make love, it makes your heart healthier. That's literally and figuratively speaking. But literally speaking, women who have sex more often have higher levels of estrogen that protect the heart against disease.
I can tell you a hundred more reasons to have sex tonight, but this is it for now. I hope these are enough reasons to jazz up your sex life.{relatedarticles}
About The Author
Read More
By Rori Raye, Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter
If you think you're just being "friendly" by sending him a flirty text or baking him a birthday cake, you could be getting in the way of the kind of courtship you desire.
When we find ourselves falling for a man, it's normal to start feeling that if we don't show enough interest in him he might get the wrong message and drift away. We want to make sure he knows we like him. So we might do things like:
1. Calling him because you heard or read about something interesting, or because you knew there was a great band playing somewhere, or someone told you about some great event that you want to invite him to.
2. Calling to ask why he hasn't called you.
3. E-mailing him, texting him, Facebooking him, sending him a cute card, dropping by his house, or in any way attempting to initiate some kind of contact.
4. Asking him how he feels -- especially asking him how he feels about you or the relationship.
5. Inviting him to come and join you, or in any way acting like the social director of the relationship.
At first glance, these actions might seem completely harmless. In fact, you may feel that he'll just see you as being friendly and want to get closer to you. But doing any of these things shifts you into masculine energy and makes you the pursuer in the relationship. When a man feels even a little bit pursued, he'll feel he doesn't have to work so hard to win you over and will immediately drop his efforts.
It's important to understand that the urge to chase him in this manner comes from fear: feeling like we're going to lose him by not letting him know we're interested in him. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, whenever you initiate courtship you are sending the message that you might be insecure about losing him, and this will make you appear less attractive to him. He feels smothered and feels an aggressive vibe from you that does nothing to inspire him to want to get closer.
It Pays To Be Patient
I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man take the lead. We want a man to know we're interested in him. We want to make it easy for him to ask us out again. We want to seem enthusiastic and easygoing. And often times this means we inadvertently chase him in the ways described above.
It's true that men need validation as much as we do. But there's a difference between letting a man know you like him and actually chasing him. When you chase a man, you don't give him the chance to show you how he really feels about you. And the only way to really be sure of where his heart is at is by creating the space he needs to chase you.
Lure Him, Don't Chase Him
For a man to feel like he wants to get closer to you, he needs to feel good around you. And the way he feels good around you is when he pleases you. As long as you seem happy to see him and tell him how much you enjoy his company, a man will keep coming back for more. Stay in your feminine energy by being receptive and open to his attention. When he sees that you are a woman who is secure in herself and doesn't need to pursue him, he will be encouraged to step up his game so another man doesn't beat him to the chase.
Once you are in a committed relationship with one man, letting him take the lead and continuing to be receptive to him will fuel his passion for you. He will adore you and appreciate you, and you will be able to relax in the knowledge that you are a desirable creature he'd be a fool to take for granted.
____________________________________________________________________________
There are specific, effective ways to communicate to a man your interest without chasing him. To learn how to do this so that a man will feel inspired to pursue you, subscribe to Rori's free e-newsletter. You'll discover a completely different way of expressing yourself that will get you a man's full attention and interest.
Read More
