MyDailyMoment

By Rori Raye, Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter

When a man becomes distant, sometimes the way a woman communicates her feelings to him makes him want to withdraw even more. But if you know these three steps, you can turn this into an opportunity to connect with him and make him want to come even closer to you. 

It's finally happening: you met a man you're compatible with, you really like him, and the feeling is mutual. He's showering you with attention, making plans to see you, making time to call you, and generally letting you know that he's so happy to have found you. 

Then something happens. Out of the blue, he pulls back from you. Maybe he doesn't mention seeing you this weekend, or he gets off the phone a little earlier than usual. Or maybe he's not being as affectionate. You sense a shift in the way he is with you, and it doesn't feel good. In fact, it's downright scary. 

 As a woman, our first instinct is to try to fix the situation by getting closer to him. We'll ask him what's wrong, call him, and start worrying. But this can actually push a man further away because he'll feel coerced. 

The real secret to making sure his distance is only temporary is to let go of your efforts to bring him close. This seems counter-intuitive and frightening, since it feels like you might lose him. But that's entirely not the case. 

Here's how to give him the space he needs while handling your own vulnerable feelings so that he'll naturally want to come close all by himself. 

Step 1: Stay Centered By Realizing It's Natural for a Man to Pull Back 

Drifting away is completely natural for a man, even if he's in love with you. Falling in love can make him feel vulnerable, so he'll try to pull back in order to not lose himself. He'll come in and go out – like a rubber band – while he works out his feelings and digs deeper to find his ability to go the distance in a real relationship. Meanwhile, he's also making sure he "holds on" to his sense of self, his life, and his independence. 

 So, the first thing to do when this happens with the man you're with is to remind yourself that it's completely normal. If he's the right man for you, these periods will significantly shorten over time, even though he'll still need his "space" every once in a while. 

After 20 years of marriage, there are still moments when my husband gets a little distant from me. The difference now is that I know that when he does it's a natural process, so I don't get worried like I used to. I've also learned what not to do when it happens. Which brings me to the next step... 

Step 2: Create Tension So He Snaps Back 

Whenever the man we're with pulls back from us, our first instinct is usually to lean in and close the space. This requires effort.  And it also usually causes the man to resist our attempts to get closer. Why? Because by stepping in we're removing the incentive for a man to get close. He no longer feels it's his choice – he feels forced. 

If he starts pulling away, and you move toward him, then you're just letting the rubber band go slack. You're making it impossible for him to bounce back to you. You're eliminating the tension he needs in order to come back. 

The answer is to drop any effort on your part to close that space. Resist the temptation to ask him what's wrong or to step up your efforts in order to get a response from him. Don't call him or email him or drop by his place. Let him make the choice to come to you. When he does, it also makes you feel better. It makes you feel desired by him. 

Step 3: Connect with His Heart Using Feeling Messages 

When a man does withdraw, it creates all sorts of feelings inside us. We feel neglected, uncertain, and angry. And when he comes back, it's easy to feel resentful. We want him to know that we felt hurt. We don't want him to think it's just okay for him to pull away. 

But there is power in your words, and the words you choose can deepen the connection you share so that he is more mindful of your feelings when he does need his space. The trick is to talk to him in a way that expresses your feelings without blaming him. 

So, instead of saying, "Why haven't you called?!" try, "I feel so happy to hear from you!" Show him that being with you is a fun, positive experience. When he sees that you didn't let your emotions overrun you and senses that you didn't place such a high importance on his actions, he'll be motivated to stay close and connected with you. He'll recognize that he's with a woman who respects his needs while taking care of her own feelings. And he'll appreciate that you didn't blame or criticize him. 

When you create a positive experience with him, he'll also gradually realize that being close and connected with you is a valuable part of his life he won't want to live without. He'll see that being with you does not mean he needs to give up his sense of self or his independence, and the bond you two share will become even stronger.

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Rori teaches women how to effortlessly attract the right man and have the secure, close relationship they want. To learn specific words that will help you connect with a man's heart at every stage of your relationship, subscribe to Rori's free e-newsletter. You'll also learn how to handle your feelings when a man becomes distant from you and how to respond to him so that he can't help but want to be connected with you again.

A breakup is one of the most stressful things any of us can go through in our lives. Even when your rational mind knows the relationship is toxic, it's hard to let go of the emotional and fearful thoughts telling us life without the relationship is impossible. But have no fear. New beginnings lie behind the break.

Think of your relationship split like cutting off a malignant tumor. There is pain while it is being removed, and that hurt can last for a while. But in time, as your heart repairs, you will begin to feel better. As cliche as it may sound, time heals all wounds. {relatedarticles}

Be patient as you evolve through this life-changing event, keeping in mind these 5 things you should never do right after calling it quits.

1. Don't Use Selective Memory

When that lonely feeling arises (and it will), you need to know that your mind is likely to wander back to a point in your relationship when all was well and the two of you were happy together. At times like these, for whatever reason, our memories often will recall only the good times. You'll start wondering why you two ever decided to split in the first place.

Reminiscing about the good times is really a regression of your emotional progress. You should never allow yourself to call or go visit your ex in a moment of weakness. This will just set you back emotionally and you'll have cheated yourself out of time.

There are reasons you two are not together anymore, and you need to bring those to mind forcefully. Don't forget all those irritating habits he or she had that you could not stand; remember all the fights.

If you think there may be a possibility that the two of you could mend your differences, you still need to give yourself a break away from each other. Your ex needs to earn his way back into your life and prove he is worth it.{relatedarticles}

2. Don't Be Friends

For the first few months following a breakup, you should not socialize together if at all possible. You should try to have no contact with your ex -- no meeting up in person or contacting each other over the phone, via email, text messaging or connecting on social networking sites. As the saying goes, old habits die hard. It is just too easy to fall back into the relationship. It's like an old, comfortable chair.

But you've got to remember that chair is full of dander and parasites that you really don't want crawling all over your skin! Plus, it can be just torturous to your heart to be around your ex, especially if he's the flirtatious type. Don't do that to yourself. And never, ever fall into the trap of indulging in one last romp for "old time's sake." What's done is done -- and that includes your sexual encounters with him.

Keep your distance and spend time with the best company around - you! Do all the things you love. You may have to relearn who you really are and find out what makes you happy. Being a couple is all about compromise. Now you can concentrate selfishly on yourself, so do it!

3. Don't Keep Remembrances in Plain Sight

A great first step in getting past the relationship is to go through your home, phone, car, wallet, etc. and put away all those things that remind you of your former partner. From photographs and gifts to his favorite foods and CDs, all these items can slow your emotional growth. By removing them from plain sight, this action alone reaffirms your intention to move on with your life.{relatedarticles}

Although you may feel like trashing some of these things, it is best to store them in a box that you can put away for the time being. Remember, the moments you spent with him are a part of your life's history and probably have changed you in one way or another.

After all the emotion is gone and you've transitioned past this point in your life, you may want to revisit the box and the memories it holds. Then you will have a clear understanding of what you want to keep and what you might want to give away.

4. Don't Jump Into Another Relationship

It is so easy to replace your ex with another warm body, and many of us do just that. Unfortunately for you and for the new beau, the relationship is more than likely doomed. Most people coming out of a long-term relationship are not emotionally ready to hold up their end of the bargain in a new commitment. There is too much baggage that hasn't been sorted through and resolved.

Keep in mind, this doesn't mean you can't go out. By all means, have a dating frenzy. Meet new people, experience new things and enjoy the company of others. Take the time to have fun before becoming exclusive with someone new. You need to get to know yourself again before you can give that next guy the best of you.

5. Don't Isolate Yourself

Feelings of depression are normal when a relationship ends. This may lead you to crawl under the covers and sleep for days or stay up all hours of the night watching romantic movies. You may not want to communicate with anyone, but it is important that you do.{relatedarticles}

Isolating yourself is really a form of punishment. You have to be willing to ask for help. Look for a friend or family member with a shoulder you can cry on. You may even want to seek out a professional counselor to work through these feelings of despair and loneliness.

The first few months after a breakup will be full of ups and downs. Bear in mind, you are going through something traumatic. Give yourself permission to be sad, depressed and confused as well as relieved, happy and excited about what lies ahead. Just know that the pain will eventually lessen. It will not be like this for the rest of your life. You will heal and be OK.

And always remember, an ending is just the start of new beginning.