Most people don't purposely set out to cheat on their partner. It's unlikely someone wakes up one morning and adds infidelity to his or her agena. It just happens. Unfortunately, cheaters never prosper, especially when they get caught in the fact. And the fallout can often be catastrophic for everyone involved. Are you prepared for what happens next?
What to Expect
Obviously, your man is not going to be too happy about the thought of you being unfaithful to him. He will most likely be outraged that you broke his trust in you. It doesn't matter if it was just a one-time thing. How does he know that it won't happen again?
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If you want to salvage the relationship, it will take a lot of extra effort on your part because you will need to regain his trust in you. There's no guarantee he will take you back, so don't be surprised or angry toward him if he doesn't. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned. You may not be so quick to forgive either.
First Questions You Should Ask
The first thing you want to do is assess the relationship. Why did you cheat? Was it just something that happened in the heat of moment? Or are you bored with relationship? Do you want to stay with your partner and continue the relationship? You need to spend some time thinking about these things because they could be part of the reason you strayed. If you want the relationship to end, then now's the time to call it quits.
The Next Steps
If you want to save the relationship, the next step is to own up to your mistakes. There's no use in denying it because you've been caught red-handed. Your partner has proof of you cheating on him, so be honest. Admit to the dirty deed and beg for forgiveness. A lot.
You need to prove to your man that he truly means the world to you. Explain that what you did was a huge mistake that will never happen again. Stress the fact that you will do what it takes to make the relationship right again.
Most people who have been cheated on feel bad about themselves because they feel that they can't give the cheater what they want, or that they somehow contributed to the cheating. So you need to make sure your man knows what a good guy he is and that he is not at fault for your actions.
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Follow your guy's cues. Some people need a break to think about the relationship and help rebuild their trust in the other person. If he needs some time apart, give him some space. If he wants to spend even more time with you, it may be because he's afraid to leave you alone.
In either case, grant him his wish. It takes time to forgive someone, and you may want to consider doing what you need to do to make your partner feel better about the situation.
Don't buy him things to show your remorse. Many people who have done their partners wrong resort to buying them things because it's the easy way out. Don't take the easy way out. You need to focus on doing things to make the situation better.
Make him his favorite home-cooked meal or go with him to that sporting event he's been talking about. Doing these types of things show that you are truly thinking about him and are willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work.
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If this wasn't your first time cheating on your man, you may want to seek professional help to determine why you continue to be unfaithful. Perhaps you enjoy the thrill of cheating or maybe you're scared of commitment. In any case, you need to nail down the underlying reason before trying to gain trust in your man. Continuing to cheat will just hurt the relationship and it will never heal.
What Not to Do
Don't tell your partner how to feel. It's only normal for the person cheated on to feel angry or depressed. Don't make him feel like the bad guy for being upset about what happened. He lost his trust in you and is angry about that.
Remember, you're the one that made the decision to cheat. Don't get mad at him for being angry. It's only understandable in this situation. Give it time and he will feel better.
Don't deny what happened or place the blame on your partner. Lying about what happened will only make things worse. Come clean with the details and assure your man that it will never happen again. You also don't want to blame him for what happened. It's important that you show some accountability.
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He did not force you to sleep with another man. If problems in the relationship caused you to cheat, then you still need to take responsibility.
If you want to continue the relationship but your partner doesn't want to, don't resort to violence or revenge. Your cheating has already caused enough problems in the relationship and getting nasty will make him resent you even more. It's his right to discontinue the relationship, considering the circumstances.
Moving On
It can take a long time to forgive someone for cheating. Even if you and your man do stay together after you cheated on him, there is a good chance your relationship won't survive the long haul. If you do get caught cheating on him, you need to start repairing your relationship quickly and prevent any further damage.
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We all make mistakes. It's up to you to prove to him that although you are not perfect, you do love him with all your heart and are willing to do whatever it takes to repair the relationship. It will take a lot of effort on your part, but if you truly want to hang on to your man, it will be worth it.
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By Rori Raye, Author of best-selling eBook Have The Relationship You Want and free newsletter
When a man becomes distant, sometimes the way a woman communicates her feelings to him makes him want to withdraw even more. But if you know these three steps, you can turn this into an opportunity to connect with him and make him want to come even closer to you.
It's finally happening: you met a man you're compatible with, you really like him, and the feeling is mutual. He's showering you with attention, making plans to see you, making time to call you, and generally letting you know that he's so happy to have found you.
Then something happens. Out of the blue, he pulls back from you. Maybe he doesn't mention seeing you this weekend, or he gets off the phone a little earlier than usual. Or maybe he's not being as affectionate. You sense a shift in the way he is with you, and it doesn't feel good. In fact, it's downright scary.
As a woman, our first instinct is to try to fix the situation by getting closer to him. We'll ask him what's wrong, call him, and start worrying. But this can actually push a man further away because he'll feel coerced.
The real secret to making sure his distance is only temporary is to let go of your efforts to bring him close. This seems counter-intuitive and frightening, since it feels like you might lose him. But that's entirely not the case.
Here's how to give him the space he needs while handling your own vulnerable feelings so that he'll naturally want to come close all by himself.
Step 1: Stay Centered By Realizing It's Natural for a Man to Pull Back
Drifting away is completely natural for a man, even if he's in love with you. Falling in love can make him feel vulnerable, so he'll try to pull back in order to not lose himself. He'll come in and go out – like a rubber band – while he works out his feelings and digs deeper to find his ability to go the distance in a real relationship. Meanwhile, he's also making sure he "holds on" to his sense of self, his life, and his independence.
So, the first thing to do when this happens with the man you're with is to remind yourself that it's completely normal. If he's the right man for you, these periods will significantly shorten over time, even though he'll still need his "space" every once in a while.
After 20 years of marriage, there are still moments when my husband gets a little distant from me. The difference now is that I know that when he does it's a natural process, so I don't get worried like I used to. I've also learned what not to do when it happens. Which brings me to the next step...
Step 2: Create Tension So He Snaps Back
Whenever the man we're with pulls back from us, our first instinct is usually to lean in and close the space. This requires effort. And it also usually causes the man to resist our attempts to get closer. Why? Because by stepping in we're removing the incentive for a man to get close. He no longer feels it's his choice – he feels forced.
If he starts pulling away, and you move toward him, then you're just letting the rubber band go slack. You're making it impossible for him to bounce back to you. You're eliminating the tension he needs in order to come back.
The answer is to drop any effort on your part to close that space. Resist the temptation to ask him what's wrong or to step up your efforts in order to get a response from him. Don't call him or email him or drop by his place. Let him make the choice to come to you. When he does, it also makes you feel better. It makes you feel desired by him.
Step 3: Connect with His Heart Using Feeling Messages
When a man does withdraw, it creates all sorts of feelings inside us. We feel neglected, uncertain, and angry. And when he comes back, it's easy to feel resentful. We want him to know that we felt hurt. We don't want him to think it's just okay for him to pull away.
But there is power in your words, and the words you choose can deepen the connection you share so that he is more mindful of your feelings when he does need his space. The trick is to talk to him in a way that expresses your feelings without blaming him.
So, instead of saying, "Why haven't you called?!" try, "I feel so happy to hear from you!" Show him that being with you is a fun, positive experience. When he sees that you didn't let your emotions overrun you and senses that you didn't place such a high importance on his actions, he'll be motivated to stay close and connected with you. He'll recognize that he's with a woman who respects his needs while taking care of her own feelings. And he'll appreciate that you didn't blame or criticize him.
When you create a positive experience with him, he'll also gradually realize that being close and connected with you is a valuable part of his life he won't want to live without. He'll see that being with you does not mean he needs to give up his sense of self or his independence, and the bond you two share will become even stronger.
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Rori teaches women how to effortlessly attract the right man and have the secure, close relationship they want. To learn specific words that will help you connect with a man's heart at every stage of your relationship, subscribe to Rori's free e-newsletter. You'll also learn how to handle your feelings when a man becomes distant from you and how to respond to him so that he can't help but want to be connected with you again.
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